The Holy Ghost or Oxytocin? Adventures in Elevation Emotion

Throughout my life, I was taught a “burning in my bosom” signified that God was speaking to me through the Holy Ghost that what I was hearing, reading or thinking was good or true.  I was taught to seek after these experiences.  I felt it singing hymns, reading scriptures, offering service, teaching lessons, or listening to talks and lessons.  One thing was sure, the more often someone felt this feeling, the more righteous they were.  There are great benefits to this too.  Being rude, contentious, angry, etc… drives this feeling away, so if someone tries to live their life so they experience these feelings, they’re usually nicer and more loving to those around them.  Living one’s life this way not only makes them happier, but it makes their home and community a nicer place to be.

Psychologists studying this phenomenon call this “elevation emotion,” and is linked to the hormone oxytocin being triggered by our vagus nerve.  This will help explain it a little:

There is a connection between the contagion of elevation and our idolatry toward unusually selfless people. Take Oprah Winfrey, who isn’t selfless but is unusually big-hearted (and encourages others to be the same way). To test the theory of elevation, Haidt and an assistant gathered forty-two lactating women together in his lab at the University of Virginia. Half of the nursing mothers watched a poignant episode of Oprah involving a rehabilitated gang member. The remaining group of nursing women spent their time watching an ordinary episode of Seinfeld. The elevation difference between these two groups was dramatic. The Oprah-watching moms overwhelmingly leaked milk into their pads (the sign of oxytocin lifting them up) and nursed their babies afterward. Hardly any of the Seinfeld watchers so much as wetted a pad. Elevation had made the Oprah mothers more generous and loving.

Elevation is not grandiosity. Vagal activity shifts our attention to connection instead of feeling superior to others — meaning strong enough to stand alone. When we behave reassuringly toward others in an I’ve-been-there-too-you’re-not-alone kind of way, it’s the vagus nerve doing the work. By inducing feelings of similarity between people, the vagus nerve calms down our fight-or-flight impulses. We have feelings of intimate connection spurred by the sight of other people’s moral goodness. This is the uplift — and the outpouring of love — that believers seek in churches and temples (and secularists seek in nature and art). We needed to evolve such emotions to “turn off the I switch and turn on the We,” as Haidt puts it. “Powerful moments of elevation seem to push a mental reset button, erasing negative feelings and replacing them with feelings of hope, love, and optimism, and a sense of moral elevation,” he writes. The collective supersedes the self, at least while we’re feeling uplifted.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/wired-for-elevation-this-_b_842004

These feelings are good.  They are extremely important to keeping our civilization running smoothly as it encourages us to self-improve.  It prompts us to act selflessly and make sacrifices for our family, community and country.  Neglecting these emotions can leave our lives feeling empty and unfulfilled.  Historically, science has had little use for this aspect of life, while art (music, theatre, drawing, sculpting, photography, etc) and religion focus almost entirely on it.  The very act of creating something of beauty that inspires people also generates this same feeling, and as that feeling is shared among those partaking, they all form a bond together that wasn’t there before.

Civilizations that promote actions and environments where these feelings can be felt will thrive and last many generations.  Civilizations where the focus is on the self create greed and lust don’t last very long.  It’s rare that a government or dynasty will last more than a few hundred years, but we have religions today that have been running for thousands of years.  There is a clear benefit to society and our cohesiveness that comes from promoting this elevation emotion.

Religion and Elevation Emotion

With these great benefits, there are also downsides as well.  As religions can bind a group together by following a particular recipe for generating these feelings, they also create an “other” group consisting of people who follow a different recipe. This can generate a large amount of animosity between groups, even leading to war and bloodshed over who’s got the “one true way.”  It’s interesting that every major religion has a foundational teaching of loving your neighbor, being honest in your dealings, and giving aid to those who seek it.  The majority of people in these religions feel this elevation emotion, so one would think of all people, they would get along the best with others that have their own way reaching the same goals.

I was raised a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  For the rest of this discussion, I will focus specifically on how this emotion is used for good and bad within this church.  

A newcomer to the religion would learn about the Spirit in their first discussion with the missionaries.  They would be given a copy of the Book of Mormon, and then shown a verse near the end that states:

3 Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.

  — Moroni 10:3-5

These missionaries will tell them of the love Christ has for them, they’ll pray on their behalf and show sincere care about the person’s needs, all with the intent on creating an environment where they will feel this elevation.  The missionaries will mark passages to read, showing very touching scenes of Christ appearing unto people, showing them love, healing the sick and wounded, or blessing the children, again with the intent to create this feeling of elevation.  As they experience these feelings, they will be told that this is the Holy Ghost revealing that what is being said is true, and then start working towards a commitment to baptism.  They will be invited to church where they will sing hymns, be showered with more love and attention, and depending on the skill of the speakers or teachers, again experience the feelings of elevation.  If the person’s life has been particularly empty of good feelings or if they are in a particularly low part of their life, they will experience a powerful pull to fully commit to living the life outlined by the religion, no matter what they need to sacrifice in order to do it.

The church also has a very rigid structure of authority, starting at the top with the “first presidency,” consisting of the prophet, and two counselors, usually drawn from the Quorum of the 12 Apostles.  Below these you have the 12 apostles.  All 15 of these men are given the title of “prophet, seer and revelator,” and anything they say in an official capacity is to be taken as the word of God.  Next there are various quorums of seventy, who oversee the church in areas of the world.  Below them, there are local leaderships, led by a stake president who manages a group of usually between 7-15 congregations, and these congregations are led by bishops or branch presidents, depending on the size of the congregation.  Each of these local leaders usually serve for a period of 5-10 years and are drawn from the local membership, without any special ecclesiastical training.  They could be the local dentist, teacher, plumber, engineer or janitor.  Again, members are supposed to obey instructions given by their local leadership as the will of God.  

When Elevation Emotion Creates Doctrine

Church leaders are taught that they should lead by the Spirit.  President Ezra Taft Benson taught:

Ponder matters that you do not understand. As the Lord commanded Oliver Cowdery, “Study it out in your mind; then … ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.” (D&C 9:8)

Did you notice that last phrase? “You shall feel that it is right.”

We hear the words of the Lord most often by a feeling. If we are humble and sensitive, the Lord will prompt us through our feelings. That is why spiritual promptings move us on occasion to great joy, sometimes to tears. Many times my emotions have been made tender and my feelings very sensitive when touched by the Spirit.

The Holy Ghost causes our feelings to be more tender. We feel more charitable and compassionate with each other. We are more calm in our relationships. We have a greater capacity to love each other. People want to be around us because our very countenances radiate the influence of the Spirit. We are more godly in our character. As a result, we become increasingly more sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost and thus able to comprehend spiritual things more clearly.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1988/04/seek-the-spirit-of-the-lord?lang=eng

Church leaders that strive to lead by the Spirit act on ideas they have that generate feelings of elevation.  This can often lead to positive outcomes, as elevation emotions often come during times of love, generosity, kindness and mercy.  However, these feelings also arise when contemplating already deeply held beliefs.  If life experience or a trusted teacher exposes someone to a particular bias or worldview, they may feel elevation when it comes time to act on this bias.  

As members counsel with these leaders over their troubles and sins, the leader gives them counsel or punishes them based on what feels best to them.  Because what ideas generate these feelings vary from one leader to another based on feelings about their existing biases and worldviews, there is no uniform response to similar situations.  One leader may tend to be lenient, one leader may offer good counsel.  Another leader may be strict, or give very poor counsel.  The members are at the mercy of their local leader and can’t select another one without moving to a new geographic location.  This is often referred to as “bishop roulette,” as one never knows what they’ll end up with.  These bishops are also given the responsibility to judge worthiness of the members, and will often have one-on-one discussions with youth, where they ask very detailed questions about pornography usage, sexual encounters or masturbation.  This “bishop roulette” can be the difference between a teenager growing up with a healthy outlook on life and sexuality or suffering from serious shame trauma that can last decades.

With the apostles and first presidency, their actions affect a much larger group of people.  When they preach, it is supposed to be the word of God for the entire church.  As mentioned above, what topics cause elevation emotion for them depends very heavily on the society they grew up in.  Brigham Young came from a background where he believed Black people were the descendants of Cain, cursed of God and meant to be servants and slaves to chosen races for all time.  When he contemplated this topic, he very likely experienced this elevation and took it to mean that Black people should be barred from holding the priesthood or given the opportunity for exaltation and eternal families by making covenants in the temple.  He gave many talks on this topic, and as prophet of the church, his word became the official doctrine.  Here are some examples:

“Cain slew his brother… and the lord put a mark upon on him, which is the flat nose and black skin… If the white man, who belongs to the chosen seed, mixes his blood with the seed of Cain, the penalty, under the law of god, is death on the spot. This will always be so.”

Brigham Young – Journal of Discourses

vol. 7. pp. 290-291, vol. 10,p.110

“How long is that race to endure the dreadful curse that is upon them? That curse will remain upon them, and they never can hold the Priesthood or share in it until all the other descendants of Adam have received the promises and enjoyed the blessings of the Priesthood and the keys thereof. Until the last ones of the residue of Adam’s children are brought up to that favourable position, the children of Cain cannot receive the first ordinances of the Priesthood. They were the first that were cursed, and they will be the last from whom the curse will be removed.”

Brigham Young – Journal of Discourses, vol.7, p.290

Later prophets and apostles believed this curse was real, but they needed a better reason than something Cain did 6,000 years ago, because that didn’t feel just.  They pondered on possible reasons within the realm of church theology and decided that it must have been something these people did in the pre-mortal life that God would send them here with such a curse.  They very likely felt elevation when making this connection, and they confidently taught these reasons as doctrine:

“Negroes in this life are denied the Priesthood; under no circumstances can they hold this delegation of authority from the Almighty. The gospel message of salvation is not carried affirmatively to them…Negroes are not equal with other races where the receipt of certain spiritual blessings are concerned, particularly the priesthood and the temple blessings that flow there from, but this inequality is not of man’s origin. It is the Lord’s doing, is based on his eternal laws of justice, and grows out of the lack of Spiritual valiance of those concerned in their first estate.”

Bruce R. McConkie – Mormon Doctrine, 1966, pp.527-528

“In spite of all he did in the pre-existent life, the Lord is willing, if the Negro accepts the gospel with real, sincere faith, and is really converted, to give him the blessings of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. If that Negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the celestial kingdom. He will go there as a servant”

Mark E. Peterson – Race Problems as They Affect the Church, address given at BYU,

August 27, 1954. Marriott Library University of Utah, Mark E. Peterson Papers

“The seeming discrimination by the Church toward the Negro is not something which originated with man; but goes back into the beginning with God… Revelation assures us that this plan antedates man’s mortal existence, extending back to man’s preexistent state.”

Pres. David O. McKay – Hugh B. Brown, N. Eldon Tanner – Letter of the first Presidency

Church’s  Position on the Negro – Dec. 15, 1969, The Improvement Era, Feb. 1970, p.71

In a recent publication titled “Race and the Priesthood,” part of a group of gospel topic essays that the church has published to address controversial topics that the church faces, the current official stance is as follows:

Today, the Church disavows the theories advanced in the past that black skin is a sign of divine disfavor or curse, or that it reflects unrighteous actions in a premortal life; that mixed-race marriages are a sin; or that blacks or people of any other race or ethnicity are inferior in any way to anyone else. Church leaders today unequivocally condemn all racism, past and present, in any form.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics-essays/race-and-the-priesthood?lang=eng

This follows a pattern of other historical doctrines that the church no longer adheres to.  Examples include Brigham Young’s “Adam-God Theory”, which states that Adam and Eve are literally God the Father and Heavenly Mother, and after starting the mortal race of man, returned to their heavenly thrones.  For a time, this was even taught in the temple.  Likewise with Brigham’s “Blood Atonement,” it was taught that some sins were not covered by the atonement of Christ, and thus the sinner’s throat must be sliced and their blood spilled on the sand as an offering.  This rhetoric was used to whip the saints into a reformation frenzy, and was a key instigation of the Mountain Meadows Massacre, where prisoner’s throats were slit.

Early on in my faith crisis, I found myself confused when reading about Joseph Smith’s polygamy and polyandry, his coercive tactics for convincing women to marry him, and his marriages to very young girls.  What I found most troubling is that most of these marriages took place without his first wife, Emma, being aware of them.  I compared that to how Christ treated women in the New Testament, and how, when Mary was to give birth to Jesus, God sent an angel to both Mary and Joseph to let them know what was about to unfold.  I decided that if it was important for polygamy to be implemented again, God wouldn’t send just an angel to Joseph Smith, as he said happened, but the angel would appear to Joseph and Emma.  Then both would understand the doctrine, and there would be two witnesses and they could testify to others that this was of God.  As I made this decision, a strong feeling of elevation swept over me, and in my understanding at the time, knew that this was God confirming this knowledge to me.  I was left trying to reconcile how God could be telling me that Joseph’s polygamy doctrine was wrong with my previous feelings that I thought confirmed the church was true.  Now I know these feelings of elevation came because I connected biblical events that confirmed my bias that these acts were wrong.  The very act of doing so made these ideas feel like my mind and understanding had greatly expanded and God was revealing divine knowledge to me.

Brigham Young had deep seated racist biases, stemming from a popular Protestant belief at the time that the Curse of Cain was carried on through Ham’s wife after the flood, and from them all Black people were born and carried Cain’s curse.  Even though Joseph Smith ordained some Black men to the priesthood, Brigham found additional scriptural confirmation in the Book of Abraham.  This new scripture Joseph Smith claimed he translated from Egyptian papyri aided Brigham’s decision to forbid any more Black people from having the priesthood.  This reads:

21 Now this king of Egypt was a descendant from the loins of Ham, and was a partaker of the blood of the Canaanites by birth.

22 From this descent sprang all the Egyptians, and thus the blood of the Canaanites was preserved in the land.

23 The land of Egypt being first discovered by a woman, who was the daughter of Ham, and the daughter of Egyptus, which in the Chaldean signifies Egypt, which signifies that which is forbidden;

24 When this woman discovered the land it was under water, who afterward settled her sons in it; and thus, from Ham, sprang that race which preserved the curse in the land. 

Abraham 1:21-24

Having personally experienced this elevation while finding biblical arguments that supported my biases, I can fully appreciate the situation of Brigham Young and other prophets. Brigham likely experienced this same elevation and expansion of the mind while pondering the state of Black people combined with biblical scripture that reinforced his biases.  This would have clearly felt like divine revelation, and he taught it as such!  Likewise later apostles and prophets felt the same as they found reasoning in premortal doctrine that would explain why God had cursed these people.  

Elevation Emotion Changes Doctrine

Topics that were taught as doctrine in one age can be rejected by later prophets.  When the current prophet doesn’t feel elevation emotions when contemplating that topic, he can decide this is not of God and disavow that teaching.  It wasn’t until 1978 that the priesthood and temple rights were finally given to Black members, but the teachings remained that they were less valiant or otherwise cursed until 2013 when the church finally published the Race and the Priesthood essay which disavowed these ideas.

This leaves believing members in a very difficult position.  How could prophets teach these doctrines, some being taught for over 130 years, and be so wrong about it?  Prophets are the mouthpieces of God, and have the right of direct communication with Him.  We are also taught that God will not allow a prophet to mislead us in this famous quote by the fourth prophet of the church, Wilford Woodruff:

The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty. (Sixty-first Semiannual General Conference of the Church, Monday, October 6, 1890, Salt Lake City, Utah. Reported in Deseret Evening News, October 11, 1890, p. 2.)

To balance these conflicting ideas in their minds, believing members adopt these excuses:

  1. Sometimes a prophet speaks for God, sometimes he speaks his own opinions.  In these instances, they were speaking as men and not prophets.
  2. They were a product of their time.  We can’t expect to hold people accountable for having prevailing ideas 100 years ago.
  3. God teaches us line upon line, precept on precept.  Members of the church weren’t ready for the higher law at the time, so God gave them a lesser law until they were ready.

The irony with arguments 1 and 2 is essentially that these prophets were teaching the philosophy of men, mingled with scripture, the very style of teaching Mormon theology attributes to Satan.  But while modern prophets can disavow these historical teachings, if we could go back in time and talk to those prophets about these topics and ask them if they thought they were teaching the word of God or just their own ideas, I suggest that they would emphatically declare this was the very word of God.  And their certainty would stem from their feelings of elevation while they pondered and preached these doctrines.

Do Mormon Prophets Speak to God Or Is It Elevation Emotion?

Most believing members of the church will recognize these feelings in their own lives as they prepared lessons, gave lessons, or listened to talks.  They recognize these feelings as God speaking directly to their souls and testifying of their truthfulness.  Perhaps they might recognize their interpretation of these feelings to be fallible, but surely prophets and apostles have an even better, more sure way of communicating with God.  These men are “especial” witnesses of the resurrected Savior, they have spent their entire lives learning to recognize and feel the Spirit and have surely seen him face to face, as the apostles of old had done.

Many members of the church are aware of the concept of having one’s “calling and election made sure” or receiving their “second anointing,” whereby they are guaranteed, by virtue of their unfailing faithfulness, of achieving exaltation.  Joseph Smith taught this as follows:

“After a person has faith in Christ, repents of his sins, and is baptized for the remission of his sins and receives the Holy Ghost, (by the laying on of hands), which is the first Comforter, then let him continue to humble himself before God, hungering and thirsting after righteousness, and living by every word of God, and the Lord will soon say unto him, Son, thou shalt be exalted. When the Lord has thoroughly proved him, and finds that the man is determined to serve Him at all hazards, then the man will find his calling and his election made sure. then it will be his privilege to receive the other Comforter, which the Lord hath promised the Saints, as is recorded in the testimony of St. John.”

“When any man obtains this last Comforter, he will have the personage of Jesus Christ to attend him, or appear unto him from time to time, and even He will manifest the Father unto him.”

Joseph Smith (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith,149–51).

They recognize that apostles and prophets would surely have had their calling and election made sure, and as apostles and “especial” witnesses of Christ, they would have surely seen Him.  Occasionally, someone will directly ask what it was like seeing Christ, and the answer is almost invariably, “Some experiences are too sacred to talk about.”  Tom Phillips received his second anointing, and afterwards left the church and spoke about it.  You can find his story here:

https://www.mormonstories.org/podcast/tom-phillips-and-the-second-anointing/

In the comments on that story, you’ll find someone ask him whether he saw Jesus, as was promised.  His response:

I did discuss this with a GA [General Authority, meaning a member of the Seventy or higher] and was told to lie by saying ‘The Brethren have asked us not to discuss such sacred matters’. If I answered in that way, it would obviously infer that I had seen him. That is what GAs are instructed to do – to lie.”

Even more interesting is a talk Elder Oaks gave at a multi-stake youth fireside in Bellevue, WA in 2016.  He was asked what a person should do to have an experience like that of Alma the Younger, who was visited by an angel and told to repent.  Elder Oaks responds:

“The lord gives a few of those kinds of experiences that are recorded in the scriptures to catch our attention.  The answer, well, I’ve never had an experience like that, and I don’t know anyone among the first presidency or the quorum of the twelve who have had that kind of experience.”

While the apostles and first presidency like to emphasize their roles as “prophets, seers and revelators,” they’re working with the very same tools that every other member has. They’re using elevation emotions which they interpret as the Spirit of God revealing truth to them.  And while they claim the title ‘seer’, they don’t use seer stones like Joseph Smith for translating the Book of Mormon or to receive answers to any questions he asked.  Seer stones have gone the way of other disavowed doctrines.  Brigham Young repeated Joseph Smith’s teaching that “there is a [seer] Stone for every person on Earth,” they just needed to find it.  Brigham admitted he didn’t have the skill for using them and never claimed any revelation by using one.  John Taylor didn’t like the idea of them, and by the time Joseph F Smith was prophet and learning some saints were still using their own seer stones said this:

“It is a trick of Satan to deceive men and women, and to draw them away from the Church and from the influence of the Spirit of God, and the power of his holy priesthood, that they may be destroyed. These peep-stone men and women are inspired by the devil, and are the real witches, if any such there be. Witchcraft, and all kindred evils, are solely the creations of the superstitious imaginations of men and women who are steeped in ignorance, and derive their power over people from the devil, and those who submit to this influence are deceived by him. Unless they repent, they will be destroyed.”

IMPROVEMENT ERA.

Vol. V. The Glory of God is Intelligence. No. II.

https://archive.org/stream/improvementera0511unse/improvementera0511unse_djvu.txt

Read D. Michael Quinn’s chapter on seer stones in Early Mormonism and the Magic World View for a more thorough understanding of seer stone usage in the church.

So our apostles and prophets aren’t receiving heavenly visitations, nor do they have special tools that enable them to communicate directly with God.  They use the same feelings of elevation that they used their whole life, and that all other members and church leaders are taught to use.

Are Elevation Emotions Good or Bad?

As I made clear at the beginning of this document, these emotions are critical to our own satisfaction in life and perhaps the stability of our civilization.  These emotions can help us strive to be better people and take care of those in need around us.  We must also be mindful of what they really signify to us, and how other people in authority interpret them.  They can be used to reinforce incorrect biases, like the salvation ban for Black people, or in more recent times, like Spencer W. Kimball’s “Miracle of Forgiveness” book that warns masturbation can make you gay, or that if you pray hard, have faith, and are righteous, that your gay inclinations will be cured.  Or the current policy that it’s ok to have gay inclinations and still be a member in good standing, as long as you don’t act on them.  While you must remain miserable and celibate in this life, it will be worth it to be saved in the next life.

These very teachings encourage suicidal tendencies as struggling LGBTQ members seek to end their suffering in this life so they can finally be happy in the next life.  It also drives families apart as parents feel like they should push their LGBTQ children away so they don’t “contaminate” their siblings with their “wicked” ways.

These feelings don’t testify of truth.  They appear when we feel inspired to be better or reinforce existing biases and world views.  Paul H Dunn, from the presidency of the first quorum of the seventy, was greatly loved by many as he told fantastic stories from his time as a soldier in WWII and as a major league baseball player.  These stories would evoke elevation emotions in entire audiences as they listened in rapt attention as God saved him from harrowing events, or as he recited his best friend’s final words as he died in his arms.  These emotions were not testifying that these events truly happened.  His friend was still alive and well, living in Missouri, and he never played in the major leagues.  These emotions came because these stories encouraged people to live better lives and gave them confidence that they too could do great things.

These emotions can also be abused by evil people with more sinister ideas.  The following video helped me understand that these powerful emotions come from within ourselves, and can lead you down very unhealthy or even fatal paths.  It contains a collection of people explaining how these very feelings let them know that their particular religion or cult was God’s one true religion.  One girl, although fresh out of high school, knew God really wanted her to become a polygamist wife.  Other people knew that the leader of Heaven’s Gate was divinely inspired when he instructed all the members to commit suicide.  Another man knew John Miller was a new manifestation of Jesus.  

Each of these people described the very same feelings of elevation that I experienced to determine that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was God’s true church on the earth.  Other people experiencing those same feelings know that Islam is the true religion, or Catholicism, or Buddhism, or every other type of religion out there.  It’s very healthy to live a lifestyle seeking out opportunities of service, kindness and charity to experience these feelings.  But beware of people and organizations that exploit these feelings to control how you live, how you dress, who you spend time with, coerce you into giving them money, shame you for not following their standards of right and wrong, or sacrificing more time and resources than is healthy for you to give.  There are many paths to happiness, and what works for one person isn’t necessarily the same as what works for someone else.  We should not only tolerate, but encourage and celebrate each other’s journeys and milestones on the path to happiness.

Additional Resources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3190563/

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306453013002369

My Puzzle of Life

I wrote this very early on in my faith crisis. I needed a way to share with others what this felt like so they could understand what I was going through. I also needed to formulate my own thoughts and help me processes what I was feeling. I’m sharing this in hopes that others might find it helpful.

During our lives, we work on a great puzzle. We take information, ideas, people, and actions and put them into our puzzle. We have lots of different sets of puzzle pieces that we can pick from, and the picture we’re making is always changing. For instance a new job, might require ripping out existing pieces, and using putting in the new set. Likewise with a new school, a new home or a new mate. We might arrange the puzzle so we have one section for religion, another for family, politics, hobbies, etc. Whatever we find important, we find a place in our puzzle for it. Sometimes there’s an empty space that we can fit in something small, other times we have to take out other pieces to make room for it. With so many pieces available, we all end up with different pictures. Some people can choose pieces that take all of these sections and create a beautiful picture of Life.


To make our puzzles easier to figure out, there are sets of pieces that come with a lovely picture on the box and instructions on how to put it together so it fits nicely with all the other sections. Each religion has its own set of pieces, and each with varying degrees of strictness on how the pieces should be put together.


My puzzle has some really beautiful components. There is a religion set that I’ve always used and I’ve connected it firmly with many other parts of my puzzle. It comes with a nice picture on the box and direct instructions on how to order the pieces. There are people on hand to help you put the pieces together correctly, and as long as this part of the puzzle looks like everyone else’s, you can get along great with everyone else using the same set. The picture looks so lovely, you tend to forget about the people who might judge you if it doesn’t look enough like theirs, or that the makers of the set can take it away if you flat out do it wrong. You end up willing to do whatever it takes to keep that pretty part of the puzzle in place.


As pretty as this set is though, it has some pieces that are dark and ugly. It’s very confusing, because they don’t fit with the rest of the instructions in the set. They were used in the original and early instructions, and some were still used until relatively recently. But over time, people realized they can make prettier pictures without them. And while the original instructions insisted these were very core pieces, we’re now told not to use them. Some of these pieces might be used again in the future, but don’t worry about it because we’re not using them now. In fact, don’t even think about those pieces too much because you might start seeing problems with the pretty picture in the areas they used to fit. Once you start seeing those flaws, you might start seeing more that you’ve always glossed over because you were enamored with the rest of the picture and wanted to make sure that part looked like
everyone else’s.


The problem is, these puzzle pieces are so bad that you wonder how they ever came with the set to begin with. This set claims to be a universal set that everyone should use and that it’s always right for the world at the time. But these pieces that were core to the set were never right. And if those parts aren’t right, how many other pieces in the set aren’t right?

In facing that question, I risk losing this beautiful part of my puzzle that I’ve been working on my entire life. It gave structure to the entire image, as almost every other part touched it. If I rip it out, do I replace it with another set or try to come up with my own? Will the new one look as good as the old one, or bring me as much happiness and satisfaction as I received from making my old one look like everyone else’s? Will it damage the puzzles of those I’m closest to? I know the old set very well, and I’m responsible for helping my family put their own pieces together in a way that will bring them the most joy and satisfaction. If I rip this set out, what will happen to theirs? How can I show them what to put in their puzzles if I no longer know what should be in mine? My wife and I have been working
on our puzzles together. What will happen to our puzzles if they no longer match? Or, I can pretend these bad pieces from this set aren’t so bad. I can put them back in the box and forget about them, or tell myself that someday it will make sense why they were there to begin with. I can leave my picture as it is and keep trying to make it look like everyone else’s so it doesn’t stick out, and tell everyone else that this is indeed the best set to have in the world.